Moving through "The Sadness"

So far, the time in the new apartment has been good for me.  My spirit has been renewed and I have, for the most part, gotten out of my rut.

But today is different.

I feel the sadness knocking at the door. 

As sun-drenched as my apartment is, today feels like a more internal day.  It is on a day like this that I am grateful for the playroom and the non-tiny apartment.

I am grateful not to be living in a cave anymore, so it doesn't seem as bad.

It might be exhaustion - literally... I have been working so hard on the new apartment that there are days I barely sit down (not to mention our last chair is on the verge of breaking).  

I actually have a good time just moving about the house, baking, cooking,  cleaning, playing with the kids and doing a decent amount of daydreaming.

The sadness creeps in when I feel as if I need to be doing it all, and let's face it - I live in New York and the moms who look like they do it all are everywhere, so it is nice to remember that you don't.

This article made a coincidental appearance on my Twitter feed as I was writing this, so it felt right to share.

5 Things Women With Perfectionistic Guilt Need To Hear

So I'm going to take a little break today... less obligatory housewife and more meditator, more relaxed ... me.

Hump Day Inspiration: Do You Believe in Angels?

Do you believe in Angels?

If you don't believe in non-mortal beings who earn their wings everytime a bell rings, then maybe you believe in people put here to give us messages exactly when we need them...

Monday afternoon, following regular labs for my son's rare and genetic, yet completely managed blood disorder, I was crossing the street to Mount Sinai's parking structure when an older white gentleman walking with a cane spoke to me.

"I was watching you in there", he said as we crossed the street together.  

"Oh", I remarked, pleasantly surprised and pleased to be having a conversation with a stranger once again in the city.    

There was a time I craved these interactions...looking for the amazing people of the world on the streets, in the cafés and on the subways of this city.

Having traded that in for "mommy-hood", I am eager to interact with others once again and rekindle friendships possibly staled by my temporary yet necessary absence.

"You are very good with him", the gentleman said glancing at my son, nestled in my carrier.

I smiled, thanked him and bid him to have a great day!

"You are great", he said.  Not a response to my telling him to have a great day, but a statement.  An affirmation of my abilities should anyone ever make me feel inadequate or sub-par.

I didn't turn around to see where the man went after we crossed the street.  I did, however, notice that he was wearing only a sweater.  Not even a hat... And it wasn't that warm.  His presence warmed my heart and gave me a little boost that day.  What exactly he had seen, I do not know, but I am sure he is always watching.

First Day at a Fresh Start

Tuesday was my first day alone with the kids in the new apartment.

My mom was here from Detroit for what was supposed to be a week and what turned into a month and now we are basically settled.

[So many more blanks to fill here...to be covered later...]

I have been dreaming of this apartment for a few years and being here is one of those feelings where one wants to make the best of it.  

I don't want to spoil this situation.

I finally have the office I have been striving for and my children have a real playroom which doubles as my daughter's room or vice versa.

The more I am here, the more I realize the physical depression we were living in.

The first major change is light.  The new apartment is sun-drenched, and with this light I find myself physically renewed to start each day with nothing but productivity.  

So far that has meant keeping up with cleaning, but it is something that I enjoy here! 

I am also finally committed to dealing with my life as a pack-rat...hoarder...or whatever term you might use for someone with a lot of stuff.  To date, in our new home, I have donated bags and bags of goods, clothing, etc... and all I can say is how good it feels to be rid of things I have been carrying around since high school at least. 

I hope to encourage others to let go as well or to explore why they might be holding on to un-needed things through my own examination.

This will likely reveal many layers that I have been covering over the past decade at least.

As always, Thank You for reading and following along, no matter how much time has elapsed.